The Wisdom Of Mary Oliver

Mary Oliver was magic! The raw nature of her poetry struck a deep chord within so many. After news of her death in 2018,  tributes from readers poured in on social media, with people recalling what her poems meant to them. In many ways, what she expressed in her poetry was what so many of us wanted to be able to speak about openly, but felt like it would not be welcomed as it would appear too dark. 

I personally adore her for writing about death and mourning in such a beautiful and honest way. She understood that there is just as much beauty in death as there is in living. She had a reverence for the natural world and frank, but comfortable descriptions of mourning. 

Some of my favorite notable passages are below.

“Love Sorrow”

Love sorrow. She is yours now, and you must

take care of what has been

given. Brush her hair, help her

into her little coat, hold her hand, 

especially when crossing a street. For, think,

what if you should lose her? Then you would be

sorrow yourself; her drawn face, her sleeplessness

would be yours. Take care, touch

her forehead that she feel herself not so

utterly alone. And smile, that she does not

altogether forget the world before the lesson. 

Have patience in abundance. And do not

ever lie or ever leave her even for a moment

by herself, which is to say, possibly, again, 

abandoned. She is strange, mute, difficult, 

sometimes unmanageable but, remember, she is a child. 

And amazing things can happen. And you may see, 

as the two of you go

walking together in the morning light, how

little by little she relaxes; she looks about her; 

she begins to grow. 

“When Death Comes”

When it’s over, I want to say all my life

I was a bride married to amazement.

I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.

“In Blackwater Woods”

To live in this world

you must be able

to do three things:

to love what is mortal;

to hold it

against your bones knowing

your own life depends on it;

and, when the time comes to let it go,

to let it go.

“No Voyage”

O, I go to see the great ships ride from harbor,

And my wounds leap with impatience; yet I turn back

To sort the weeping ruins of my house:

Here or nowhere I will make peace with the fact.

“The Uses of Sorrow”

Someone I loved once gave me

a box full of darkness.

It took me years to understand

that this, too, was a gift.

“The Veil”

There are moments when the veil seems

almost to lift, and we understand what

the earth is meant to mean to us — the

trees in their docility, the hills in

their patience, the flowers and the

vines in their wild, sweet vitality.

Then the Word is within us, and the

Book is put away.

“Ocean”

I am in love with Ocean

lifting her thousands of white hats

in the chop of the storm, 

or lying smooth and blue, the

loveliest bed in the world. 

In the personal life, there is

always grief more than enough, 

a heart-load for each of us

on the dusty road. I suppose

there is a reason for this, so I will be

patient, acquiescent. But I will live

nowhere except here, by Ocean, trusting

equally in all the blast and welcome

of her sorrowless, salt self. 

– Mary Oliver

Que m’est-il permis d’espérer ?

“What am I allowed to hope for?” I came across this quote while reading the latest monthly newsletter from artist and writer, Carrie Anne James from French Is Beautiful. It is a quote that is inscribed into the bathroom mirror of her favorite French cafe,  Les Philosophes in Paris. I was instantly struck by this quote and how it applies to how many feel at the End Of Life. 

Many when faced with the end of their life either through the progression of an illness, advancing age or recent terminal diagnosis often will surrender to what is handed to them...what the typical norm is. Since there is so little preparation for End Of Life in  our culture, the possibility of being allowed to hope for a graceful transition and what that might look like often is not discussed. The medical team rarely discusses death and instead focuses on treatment or palliative care, family members too emotionally invested and starting their grief process are understandably often unable to discuss death in an open space. Hospice will intervene for End of Life medical care, but often due to time constraints are unable to really engage the person dying in exploring what all of their hopes are for their End Of Life process. End Of Life doulas will often beautifully fill in the gap to hold space for this process. 

When facing death, many will look at hope as the jagged puzzle piece that just doesn't fit in the current overall picture. Hope becomes an outsider waiting in the wings for it’s time to be called on. 

In researching all the different definitions of hope, I came across this one that was my favorite:

Hope(def): is commonly used to mean a wish; it’s strength is the strength of the person’s desire. 

Que m’est-il permis d’espérer? What am I allowed to hope for? The answer…..anything that you feel called to. Many will feel that they are not allowed to have hope. That honesty about one’s medical condition erases hope. Hope and honesty about one’s condition can be fused together. Hope and surrender can live under the same roof. Hope doesn’t have to “fix or solve” anything. If can simply be called in for intention, manifestation and prayer for end of life wishes. 

You are allowed to have hope and desire of how things will be, look and feel at the end of your life. I encourage all of those I work with to keep hope in their hearts and visualize what they hope for most in their transition. In my discussions with those facing death, each person has benefited from the intention setting that hope provides. Here are some examples that have been shared with me. 

• Hope for a peaceful transition

• Hope that chosen loved ones will be at their side

• Hope that those left behind will be ok

• Hope that there is something beautiful waiting for them when they cross over

• Hope that they helped to make a difference in others lives

• Hope that their message will live on 

• Hope for a painless death

• Hope to make the most out of the time they have left

• Hope that others will remember them fondly 

• Hope for comfort and serenity

• Hope for healing with estranged family/friends in their life

• Hope to be surrounded by beautiful music, scents and the feeling of fresh air when they pass. 

• Hope to feel complete with this life 

• Hope for a quieting of the mind

• Hope for a spiritual connection to their chosen higher power/religion 

• Hope that they will not suffer 

Facing death does not mean the absence of hope, but the enveloping of it.  Hope is a comforting ally at this phase of life more than ever. 

Providing a sacred space for these discussions to be held for those that are facing End Of Life is a precious gift. 

“In the night of death, hope sees a star, and listening love can hear the rustle of a wing.”

– Robert Green Ingersoll